Now, I know this sounds silly, but Ecology: HomeStones is about carrots. Hopefully this will make that clear for everyone.

Beginning in 1778 a competitive gnome named Cheapskate initiated a Campaign of Torment upon 8 very sleepy carrot farmers, all of whom were coincidentally named Robert.

This playful assault fell upon the Roberts in the form of 8 violence based challenges. The winner would be crowned as the Bride of Ouchie. For the rest, an eternity of unimaginable wickedness. Imagine—a long wet floor of endless tile, the grout lousy with the Innumerable Crawling Misfortunes of Birthday. No one likes it.

Secrets were kept. The true nature and rule structure of the gnome’s competitions were a mystery to everyone but the gnome. Because of this advantage (and the gnome’s four black peppercorn eyes which control the shape and temperature of salt) the gnome, Cheapskate, obliterated the Roberts.

Now, at least two years later or maybe three or something, a different thing is happening and it is tangentially related to that other stuff I said.

You need to know this. Didn’t your friends tell you?

You see, there’s something out to get you, and it’s just as stupid as you are.